Couples Therapy in California & Hawaii

Work with a Specialist in Couples Therapy....

A lot of the couples who come to work with me sound like this...
"I don't know if I can ever forgive them..I'm not even sure if it's possible to come back from this.."

or

"We still love each other but we just keep getting stuck in this one argument that we can't seem to get on the same page about."

or

"I want us to get better at communicating. These small moments blow up way bigger than they need to and I'm not sure why it keeps happening"
or

"Somewhere between life getting busy with kids and work we forgot about us.. I don't know if we can find our way back but I want to try"

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If you are feeling stuck and not sure how to move forward in the relationship.. even if you're not sure if you should be moving forward in the relationship, it can feel overwhelming to navigate on your own.

You might have tried talking it out together already, maybe you read some books or listened to podcasts, or you maybe even tried working with another therapist.. but nothing seems to help. It's not that you aren't both trying and it isn't that you don't want to make it work - sometimes it's that you just can't see the pattern while you are the one stuck in it.

 

Working with a specialist in couples therapy means working with someone who is trained to recognize where you are getting stuck, I can help to disrupt the pattern so you can get unstuck but more importantly, I can teach you new skills to avoid it happening again.

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Got concerns about couples therapy? You're not alone...

Alot of people feel worried about what it means to attend couples therapy - does this mean the relationship is ending? Is the therapist going to side with my partner and tell me that I'm the problem? Are we going to be in therapy forever, spend a bunch of money, and still split up anyways?

Here is the truth - going to couples therapy doesn't mean that the relationship is ending. In fact, most couples who attend therapy stay together and report better relationships, especially when evidence based practices are used by the therapist (check out the Gottman Institute for more fascinating research and statistics on relationships and therapy). Beyond the statistics though, lets be clear.. living unhappily and just wishing and hoping it will just "get better" isn't what you or your partner deserves. 

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To answer the question: is the therapist going to side with my partner and tell me that I'm the problem?
Well that depends, the reality is that no partner is perfect (not even me, and I'm a therapist!) and likelihood is that if you have problems in your relationship, you are both contributing somehow. However that doesn't mean that you are both contributing equally to all problems. I don't believe it does anyone good for me to pretend that everything is equal just so that I avoid a hard conversation - instead I would rather not waste your time and actually be honest about where both of you could improve. That might mean that sometimes I share that what you are doing isn't working.. but that is nothing to be ashamed of. As I said, nobody is perfect, and that is okay! But when we know better we can work towards doing better, and I'm here to help with that in any way that I can. 

Now the final question - are we going to be in therapy forever and spend a bunch of money and still split up anyways?
This is probably the main thing that couples are secretly worried about when they attend therapy, and I get it. I would also be worried about that outcome!
Here is my perspective as a specialist in couples therapy: My job is to help stop your suffering. Now, if that means that I'm able to help you grow in your relationship, learn the skills to get unstuck, and genuinly turn towards each other with more love and enthusiasm, then that is what I want to do!
However sometimes in the process of therapy, the self-reflection and growth lead you to realize that your relationship isn't where you want to turn.. and because of that you want to end the relationship. That is okay too!
The gaurantee of therapy with me is that as long as you show up open to the process, ready to grow and learn, I will facilitate that growth and support you in learning the skills for a healthy relationship. It's up to you what you decide to use that growth and learning for. I can't decide that for you because while I might be an expert in therapy and relationships - you are the expert on you. 

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