How to Know When Your Relationship is Abusive
- Stephanie Wise
- Feb 3
- 4 min read
Resources for Help
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Text ‘START’ to 88788
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence
(this webpage is a list of local resources across California)
Create a Safety Plan -
Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship can be incredibly challenging. Often, we may dismiss troubling behaviors or convince ourselves that things will improve. But abuse, in any form, is about control and can take various shapes. Understanding the different types of abuse and the dynamics at play is crucial for your safety and well-being. Below is some information to help you with how to know when your relationship is abusive (I recommend additional consultation with the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) Text ‘START’ to 88788 for more information)....
Types of Abuse
Abuse can manifest in several ways, and it’s essential to recognize these forms:
Verbal Abuse: This includes any language intended to belittle, demean, or control. Frequent criticism, name-calling, and threatening language can erode your self-esteem and sense of self-worth over time.
Physical Abuse: This is the most visible form of abuse, involving any physical harm or threat of harm. It can range from slapping and hitting to more severe actions that jeopardize your safety.
Sexual Abuse: This form of abuse includes any non-consensual sexual activity or coercion. It undermines your autonomy and can leave deep emotional scars.
Financial Abuse: Often overlooked, financial abuse involves controlling your access to money or resources. This might include restricting your spending, withholding financial information, or sabotaging your ability to earn a living.
Regardless of the type, it’s crucial to remember that abuse is fundamentally about control. An abuser seeks to exert power over their partner, limiting their autonomy and instilling fear. Sometimes an abuser is externally aware of this and sometimes they may be less self-aware of this. Either way, regardless of why they are acting this way, remember they may have an explanation for why they are doing it but it is not an excuse. Abusive behavior is never acceptable, it is never a ‘fair response, and it is never okay, in any context, ever.
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
So, how can you tell if you might be in an abusive relationship? Here are some red flags:
Constant Criticism: Do you often feel belittled or criticized for your thoughts, feelings, or actions? Is name-calling, screaming, or threatening a regular feature in your conflicts?
Isolation: Is your partner preventing you from seeing friends or family, creating a sense of loneliness and dependence? Do they restrict your movement or access to finances?
Fear of Your Partner: Do you feel afraid to express your needs or emotions because of how your partner might react? This can apply to fear of sharing good things as well as bad things (fear of triggering jealousy or insecurity).
Manipulation: Are you frequently guilted or coerced into doing things you’re uncomfortable with? Are there emotional manipulation tactics such as threatening harm to self or others to control your behavior?
Walking on Eggshells: Do you find yourself trying to avoid triggering your partner’s anger or frustration? Do you go out of your way to placate them in order to avoid consequences?
Physical Violence: Pushing, shoving, holding your hands or arms to restrict your movement, throwing items, choking, punching, slapping, using their body to restrict your movement by using weight to hold you down or block exits, etc. are all examples of physical abuse and even one incident is worth speaking with a professional about and making a safety plan. Don't wait for a second incident, always take the first instance as a sign of potential characterological abuse than can and most likely will escalate.
This list is not exhaustive, if you are having doubts about whether your are in a healthy relationship, consult with the resources provided below, or seek out a consultation with a licensed mental health professional or social worker, or speak with your doctor.
If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, it’s crucial to take them seriously. Seek the advice of a licensed mental health professional, social worker, or doctor. Make a safety plan. This is not a behavior that you will be able to 'save' your abuser from. If your partner is abusive they need to heal from their own patterns away from you; staying in an abusive relationship does NOT give your partner motivation to stop the abusive behavior.
Resources for Help
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Text ‘START’ to 88788
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence
(this webpage is a list of local resources across California)
Create a Safety Plan -
Understanding the dynamics of abuse can be empowering, but it can also be overwhelming. I highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. This insightful book provides valuable perspectives on the mindset of abusers and the patterns of control that often characterize abusive relationships.
Additionally, seeking individual therapy with a trauma specialist can be incredibly beneficial. A professional can help you process your experiences, develop coping strategies, and regain your sense of self-worth and agency.
Abusive relationships are generally not recommended for treatment in couples therapy. There may be some clinicians who will work with couples who have abusive dynamics however I recommend inquiring about specific training and specialities they may have in order to support that work since it is not commonly recommended and does not easily fit within the framework of typical couples therapy. Instead the recommendation is usually safety planning (including ending the relationship in most cases), individual therapy for both partners, and group therapy or anger management for the abuser. Again, this is because in most cases, staying in the relationship does NOT work as motivation for the abusive partner to stop their behavior.
Moving Forward
Recognizing that you may be in an abusive relationship is a courageous first step. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Abuse is never your fault, and there is help available. If you feel safe doing so, reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals who can support you in navigating your next steps safely. You are not alone, and there is hope for healing and a brighter future.
Resources for Help
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Text ‘START’ to 88788
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence
(this webpage is a list of local resources across California)
Create a Safety Plan -
תגובות