The 5 conversations I wish I would have had with my husband before my giving birth to my first-born...

In the hospital shortly after getting my epidural...

When I was pregnant with my first-born daughter I was full of zest for preparation. I read pregnancy books, I had excel spreadsheets, pinterest boards, and saved instagrams galore. Most of what I was looking at had to do with nursery decorations, being pregnant, and giving birth. But much like the episode of friends where Rachel realizes she doesn't know anything about babies (despite being very pregnant at that point) I was missing out on the bigger picture.

The thing is, pregnancy is a temporary state. Labor and birth is not usually more than 1-2 days. But the changes coming to your family are for the rest of your life.

So here are the 5 things I wish that all expectant parents would talk about before the chaos of newborn days and sleepless nights turns your world upside down.

1. Your own childhoods. It's really hard to understand where your spouse is coming from (and how the heck they think that way of handling things can possibly be normal) without a really thorough background on their childhood. Some questions I encourage asking: What do you hope to repeat from your childhood? What do you hope to avoid? What mistakes are you afraid of making? What was magical about your childhood? If you were going to do things the same way as your parents did, how would you handle difficult moments with our baby (and toddler and kid and teen)?

2. Shared resources for parenting philosophies. This one is vital. One thing that makes conversations about parenting about 100x easier down the line is sharing your sources for parenting philosophies. If one of you or each of you has a book or a podcast or a youtube channel that you consider gospel truth on good parenting, it's so helpful to familiarize yourself with the other person's sources. This is even true if your resource is a relative (ie. your grandma helped raise you and you consider her philosophies of parenting to be key to why you turned out so lovely) or if it's a movie/tv show (ie. the parents in malcolm and the middle are what led you to believe happy families are possible). You might not agree on everything that the other person's preferred source is saying but at least you will have shared language to talk about it. If one or both of you don't have any resources yet then here are some I suggest: 'Hunt Gather Parent' by Michaeleen Doucleff; 'Bringing Up Bebe' by Pamela Druckerman; 'Precious Little Sleep' by Alexis Dubief'; and 'The Danish Way of Parenting' by Jessica Alexander

3. How you plan to talk to each other about differences in style. It might seem crazy that you and your spouse would ever have different ideas on how exactly to bathe a baby, soothe a toddler, or handle getting ready in the morning battles, but the reality is, no matter how in tune you think you are now, you will almost certainly have different styles and approaches. No two parents in the world handle things the same way and often times even the same parent might handle things a different way the second, third, or fourth time a similar scenario arises. The other thing that may seem crazy is that you will care so so much than you realize about things that you can probably currently recognize as small issues. So it's important to have a plan to recognize when you need to accept what I would call stylistic differences, when you might need to call each other in to explore and get aligned on your approaches, and when you need to intervene in the moment. Baseline rule: you became parents at the same time, so you are both figuring it out real time but not necessarily at the same pace- don't intervene with your parenting partner's learning process unless there is actual danger (learn to differentiate between danger and discomfort) so that they can build up their own methods, their own bond, and their own confidence.

4. How to recognize signs of spiraling. This one gets talked about a bit (and screened at doctor's appointments) for mothers but is often overlooked for new dads. Which is a huge mistake given that often when children are harmed by overwhelmed parents it is actually more likely to be a male perpetrator (for instance in cases of severe injury due to shaken baby syndrome). There is a lot that is challenging for new parenthood under a dominant culture of patriarchy which prioritizes visible signs of success over all else - babies don't give a whole lot of positive feedback at first (they don't even smile socially until 6-8 weeks old) and while the years of parenthood tend to be short, the days can feel long and repetitive. So for both moms and dads it is vital to talk about how to catch a negative spiral (and amplify the magical moments instead), how to maintain good enough sleep hygiene that you don't fall off the deep end, and how to notice and support each other when things start to get to the dark place.

5. How you plan to maintain your relationship. Some things to consider - the postpartum phase has certain physical limitations not to mention a completely mind-bending redefinition of relationship between moms and their own bodies. Sleep issues and new habits of keeping a tiny person living often take over your old habits. And of course, there are suddenly a thousand other things to talk about and worry about instead of your relationship. So it's good to talk ahead of time about how you plan to be intentional to maintain your relationship. Some helpful questions to ask each other: What kind of romantic relationship do we want to model for our kids? What level of physical contact in front of our kids feels comfortable? What kind of relationship habits do we want to make a point of keeping up (ie kiss hello and goodbye, asking each other fav parts of the day at dinner, planning regular date nights, holding hands while walking, etc). and lastly, if we get into the roommate phase (which can happen to many and will happen to most) what does it mean to be a good roommate to the other person so that when we are realize and find the capacity to re-engage romantically, we are doing it from a place of still liking each other.

The day we brought our daughter home

Of course, this list is not exhaustive. But these are the things I would've found more helpful to talk about than what eccentric wallpaper we were going to choose for our baby girl's accent wall (although I do love the choice we went with lol). These are also some of the conversations I wish that my couples would have had before they ended up in my office with practiced arguments years down the line.

Unpacking baby prep items in the nursery days before my daughter was born

The wallpaper choice as referenced above

Interested in getting more direct support to prepare for the transition to parenthood? Needing a facilitator for your 5 conversations to have before giving birth? Reach out to me through my contact form to book a consult call or to ask more questions!