Why the Feeling of Love Won't Save Your Marriage

The thing is, love isn't, and has never been enough.

And don't get me wrong - I'm a big fan of the stuff. The feeling of love is undeniably well.. lovely. Finding that special someone and falling in love is a chemical rush of happiness. It can make the most mundane days seem exciting. It can lend a feeling of importance and deeper meaning to every moment. Its uplifting and inspiring. It helps us to see the best in ourselves and the best in the world at large...

But there is a reason that we differentiate between "falling in love" and "being loving". Because "falling in love" is a feeling, an experience that you're a part of but is also sort of happening to you; but acting with love, being loving is much more than that. And that is because our definitions of love are falling short of what it actually is in relationships. In healthy relationships, love isn't just a feeling it's a practice.

As a couples therapist I see it everyday. Good people, who genuinly love each other, who are in deep pain because despite those facts, they are unable to coexist happily. And truly I believe them when they say they love each other. And I see the good in all of them (this isn't an exagerration - I've been lucky in my practice thus far and haven't yet met a truly evil person). But the problem with these people isn't the feeling and it isn't their values. It's that they don't understand those things aren't enough. Love won't save your marriage.

Love as a practice is so much more complicated than the feeling because the feeling isn't mutually exclusive - you can love someone and revile them at the same time. Or more commonly, you can love some and feel annoyed with them. Or dissapointed. Or angry. Or hurt. Love as a feeling doesn't preclude any of these simultaneous feelings. But loving someone as a practice is mutually exclusive - or at least very close to that. There simply is no way (that I've found at least) to prioritize connection and ego-protection. They are prioritize at odds with each other and in direct competition. To act with love is to put the relationship first - note here that I'm not saying to put the other person first but the relationship itself, the bond between you two. This ability, to put the bond first, works because the bond is inclusive of you as part of that bond; love should not require endless sacrifice to the detriment of yourself. But love as a practice does require that you choose something larger than yourself. And in that choosing you necessarily must not choose other options. It isn't a sacrifice so much as a declaration of priorities. To that end moving across the country for one you love isn't a sacrifice because you are choosing it; your choice is simply declaring that the relationship is more important than staying where you are. Vice versa, to decide not to move to the other end of the country could be the same thing. It may be sad to not get to do the thing you want but to choose the relationship should feel ultimately fulfilling in a way that supercedes that sadness. And this is another reason that the feeling of love is not enough. Love may be felt in one direction, but love practiced must be recripical. It is not loving practice to stay when you are the only person putting the relationship as a priority - you as part of that relationship being unhappy all the time is not in the best interest of the relationship. Perhaps I'm getting overly complicated with this explanation... let me say it more simply. You can be in love with someone and be deeply annoyed with them at the same time. If love as a feeling was enough it may be acceptable to say to them in this moment,"you are a total butthead who has no concept of how your actions impact others and I am so so irritated by you, why do you always do this?". But that would be a mean thing to say. It would start a fight. And ultimately it wouldn't serve the best interests of the relationship. If you choose love as a practice, to serve the best interest of the relationship, the bond between you two, you must evaluate if the annoying thing is something they can change that you should bring up to give them the opportunity to change it. If it isn't something they can change, to love as a practice is to shut up and accept this is the person you married (and try to remember the other good things about them). If it is something that they can change and that relationship would be better off addressing, you must prioritize the longevity and health of the relationship by finding the kindest way to say it so that they actually understand you. And you must be dogged in your kindness and persistence to be understood even if they don't get it the first time. There is no one way to say what it will sound like, because if you are doing it right, your feedback will be specific and loving so that your partner can actually respond - it will be communication that is effective for the change you are hoping to see. It's a lot of work to communicate at that level. And a lot of patience to not give up. Love as a practice is demanding, relentless... and ultimately deeply rewarding. It will make you both better people.

These are all things that can be inspired by love as a feeling.. but the practice is something different entirely.

And when it comes to a marriage, it is the only thing that will actually ever be enough.

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tay kind and talk to you soon!