The Secret on ‘Baby-Proofing’ Your Relationship: AKA - Are you really doomed to hate your spouse after you have a baby?

The day we brought our daughter home from the hospital

When I first talked to my husband about the idea for this blog post his response was “you mean like… outlet covers? In your house?” and I honestly cracked up lol after I was done chuckling I explained I was talking about baby-proofing in the sense of the relationship, not the house and his response to that was “like… birth control??” LOL - anyways... when I explained that a lot of women really don’t like their partner anymore after having a baby and that postpartum rage which you take out on your relationship can be a really real thing, he still looked confused and even slightly concerned (we just had a baby about a year ago after all)...

Once I had assured him that this wasn’t my twisted way of letting him know he had something to worry about (or worse yet missed some vital step of my exhaustive checklists going into parenthood haha) he stated a similar sentiment to my own beliefs when it comes to preparing your relationship for parenthood:

“There’s just no way you can ever be prepared for it”. 

From my perspective, this is true and also not true all at once.. Let me explain….

Just like with any big life event, the version of you that is before parenthood and the version of you that is a parent, aren’t necessarily the same people. In fact, from a physical standpoint (whether you are mom or dad) your brain is going through some pretty major changes which naturally effects how you think about.. well.. pretty much everything.

Parenthood is unique in that it is a really really big life event. And it’s even more unique in that it is a huge thing that many many people share a common experience with. It’s both totally personal and somehow universal. The minutiae of the experience are so incredibly relatable and yet while you are in it, it’s common to feel more alone than ever. 

Parenthood changes how you see the world and how you see yourself. It clarifies and reorganizes our values and therefore our sense of selves. Becoming a parent, changes the way we exist in our own bodies (especially for pregnant women) and in our world in a profound way. This is true for both moms and dads (as mentioned above) even though the physical effects of pregnancy are more obvious and extreme; the rewiring of your brain to be a caregiver as an intense experience and the more bonded you become with your baby the more intense it gets. 

This is what I explain to many expectant parents that I work with. It’s not that you can’t have discussions before baby comes about your hopes and expectations (you can and should). And you can get aligned on your approach to parenting prior to baby arriving, absolutely. But it’s important to realize, the people making those plans are not the same people who have the baby.

The joke among parents is that your best parenting work tends to happen with the hypothetical child, not the real one. Your opinion on many of these things tends to adjust (at least somewhat) once there is a real tiny human involved (often with their own thoughts on how you ought to be parenting lol). These changes can be different between the two of you in how you process them and how you internalize the learning curve of parenthood. Often your well-intentioned plans for a parenting approach get thrown out the window in favor of what your parents did with you. 

So while starting with a strong foundation of friendship will absolutely help there is no ‘proof’ that can take away the difficulty inherent to a change that big in who you are and how you live. There are some things that can help in the early days and here is what I typically recommend to couples I work with as well as friends who are about to go through the experience…

• Recognize that you and your partner have both gone through a life-changing event, and you might need to put some effort into getting to know each other as you grow through it. Check your assumptions about what you think they think, feel, and want, and open up the discussion as a continuing dialogue. 

• Be flexible and kind with each other - it’s your first time doing this, and neither of you is an expert. Remember that you both met the baby the same day - while mom may have had some more strenuous mental and physical reminders of baby’s impending arrival, she has had the same amount of face-time with baby as dad has starting from day 1 (hopefully). 

• Remember why you chose to be a parent with this person and remind yourself (often) of their strengths and your shared goal to be a good parent (that is one goal that doesn’t change when baby arrives). 

• Remind each other often that you are the best mom or dad for your baby. Remind your relatives of that too as needed lol they may be expert parents to their children but you get to be the expert in your kid (after all, you know them better than anyone). 

• Don’t forget, your spouse is your teammate - you are in this together and cultivating that mindset will get you through a lot of tough moments. 

Date night with my husband 2 days after our daughter's first birthday

When it comes to choosing to grow together, remember it may take some effort and intention. It’s kind of like making a new friend, you need to take time to connect and make memories together for just the two of you. And sure some of those can be with baby (that’s definitely going to be a common interest), but it’s also good for some of these memories to be more for just the two of you (after baby goes to bed, when you are able to get a sitter, or even other moments when baby is there but doesn’t need direct attention). 

Again, it’s a time to get curious again, to realize they might not think or feel the same way about stuff you’ve talked about before. 

So while you can prep for baby and strengthen your friendship going in, and you can work on yourself to address underlying beliefs that may make communication hard (or work on your relationship to make conflict navigation easier) there is no way that having a baby won’t change you. But change is inevitable, and it can be a beautiful thing, you can let the difficulties of new parenthood turn into an opportunity for connection to fall even deeper in love with your partner as you also fall in love with the new tiny person who is a part of both of you. It’s an amazing experience - a family friend once described parenthood as the greatest love affair of your life, and honestly, that rings true for many parents I know. 

Picture of myself, my husband, and our daughter on a recent family vacation

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Struggling with building on your friendship? Want to strengthen communication and emotional regulation prior to meeting baby (or even talking about a baby)? Book a free consult call today for couples therapy with me and we can talk about some things that might help and if we would be a good fit to work together!