What Couples Therapy is Like

There is a lot of curiosity around couples therapy - there is a reason that the prime show 'couples therapy' generated so much buzz and interest (I really enjoyed the show myself!). Couples therapy is something we often see in the movies or in TV shows (often where it is utilized for comedic or dramatic effect.

The reality though is usually less interesting. Couples therapy is not like what you see in TV and the movies and even the show on prime was a highly curated selection of moments from different sessions.

The first thing to know about couples therapy is that your experience will be very different depending on your therapist, their background and training, their style, and of course depending on the issues and the approach that you as the couple are bringing in to discuss.

In general you can expect the first few sessions to be about getting to know you and your relationship, defining the areas you need support in as well as identifying any strengths, and getting to know the therapist as well. The first session where you sit down with your partner in front of the computer (for virtual couples therapy) might feel a little awkward. It's totally normal to feel a little nervous prior to your first session (and sometimes nervous for subsequent sessions too!). I usually recommend giving yourself some buffer time before and after sessions in order to give yourself mental space to feel prepared and to process all you've learned.

So anyways, you'll sit down, log in to a secure video conference link, and then begin! For the first few sessions you (the couple) may be doing a lot of story telling to get your therapist up to speed on why you are there. It might feel like a relief to get it all out, it might also bring up some new information on you or your partners part on how your feeling about everything that is going on. Your therapist will try to give you space to talk while also practicing empathy so it feels safe to talk. Right from the start your therapist might begin helping you to identify feelings and underlying thoughts that you may never have said out loud. Most of the time being able to name these things can feel empowering and often help you to develop insight and perspective on yourself and your partner.

Over time and depending on what you are working on, your therapist may become more directive and may provide education on things like communication tools, strategies for connection, and guidance in practice conflict navigation. Your therapist may help you to identify patterns that are causing cycles of unhappiness in your relationship and will work with both of you to identify ways to disrupt that cycle. Sometimes your therapist may have you practice discussing difficult things in sessions so that you can try your new skills and get comfortable with them in a supportive environment. And throughout it all, your therapist will try to support you through the learning curve by giving you space to feel your feelings and practice sharing them in an effective way.

In couples therapy its important to understand that the reason you came to therapy will be in the room with you. In other words, it might sometimes feel heavy and hard to confront emotions and events head on. But the truth is, being able to learn to tolerate the discomfort of these things can lead to even deeper growth and eventually a more meaningful joy in your connection with each other. There are almost always some hard sessions in couples therapy, but in general if you stick with the difficult parts, you are showing your partner how committed and caring you are towards them by sitting with the difficult emotions so that you can grow better together. Through gifting each other with the space to be truly open and honest, we can have an intimacy with each other based on feeling seen and accepted for all of ourselves. Learning new things is uncomfortable but the beauty is that discomfort is temporary - through practice we can gain mastery over emotional awareness and communication tools that will allow us to love each other on a level we didn't even know was possible.

When it comes to how long couples therapy can go on, that depends a lot on factors unique to you. These factors may be things like how long you have been together, if there have been any major betrayals, if there are confounding factors (addiction, mental health issues, extremely stressful circumstances, etc.), or if you are working towards a big life transition (having a first baby, getting married, moving home, taking in an aging parent, etc.). It is also dependent on how good the fit is with your therapist and how easily you are able to integrate the things you learn in sessions to your real life. It is also affected by how often you attend sessions; some people may be able to come in 2 times a week or for intensive sessions whereas others may come in once a month and be okay with things taking much longer. In my experience, traditional couples therapy can range from around 3 months long to 2 years long; if you choose an intensive route couples therapy can be much faster, ranging from 2-3 days of intensive sessions to 6 or more days of intensive sessions over differing ranges of weeks or months.

In general with couples therapy (and often with individual therapy as well), your therapist will be working with you to define what 'success' in therapy might look like and tracking your progress towards it. While many people return to therapy for different transitions or issues later on, some people are able to carry what they've learned forward in life and truly 'graduate'. Often it's a personal preference based on the experience they had in therapy the first time. The thing is, it's always nice to dedicate time to yourself and your relationship. Having an objective third party with an expertise in healthy relationships and overall mental health can be a powerful tool for insight and growth.

To answer the question of what couples therapy is like, it can be so many things. But overall therapy should always feel like an overall empowering and supportive experience for growth and insight. With the right fit, you should feel a strong sense of trust and acceptance even when you are confronting difficult truths and challenging yourself with new ways of being. And above all you should feel that it's effective and that you are addressing the reasons you sought it out in the first place.

Interested in virtual couples therapy with Sage and Vine Counseling? Book a consult call to find out if we might be a fit :)