Why Breaking Up is So Painful & Tips on How to Heal

Breakups are more than 'hurt feelings', they are significant emotional injuries and they have real effects on our bodies and brains that are incredibly painful! Here are some ways your brain and body are affected by a breakup... Why Breaking Up is So Painful & Tips on How to Heal

• drop in dopamine and other ‘happy hormones’ of having a partner: neurotypical people are wired to react positively to socialization and to romantic love through chemical reinforcements. less touch means less oxytocin, no reward center cues (that come with a happy and new relationship) of dopamine. 
  

• Increase in cortisol: just as we are wired for reward of connection it is also an evolutionary trait to have a strong stress response to perceived rejection. This is because humans survive best as a group and social bonds reinforce groups. Our primitive brains interpret social rejection as a threat to survival. 
  

• Neural plasticity rewiring: When we are in a relationship where we spend a significant amount of time with someone, our brains will configure function around that. Think of it as having an external hard drive for your mind; you don’t need to have all the information because your partner has the pieces you are missing. When you breakup, you lose your external hard drive and your brain has to reconfigure to doing it alone again. Luckily, brains are amazing and can form new neural connections that are better than ever with the right support. 
  

It's important to note that the first two effects can also be felt when we stay in unhealthy relationships where we are not happy.

Here are some activities and ideas on how to heal from a breakup...

• reduce tech (try to for tech free evenings after a set time each night. This will help sleep but it will also help your dopamine response by not skewing the baseline with scrolling and attention-economy fodder.
  

• increase small achievable goals (ie. Make bed everyday) other ideas: clean kitchen every night, walk 3000 steps/day, make cookies for a friend, make bad art, read 1 page a day of a good book.
  

• prioritize sleep - your first defense for increased stress is good rest. Practice sleep hygiene and have a set number of hours for sleep that you aim to hit (and a number not to exceed incase you are prone to depression or freeze response)
  

• do vagus nerve strengthening activities (meditation, massage, eat more probiotics or fiber, loud singing/chanting *car karaoke session anyone?*, exercise *especially cardio*, cold water immersion or cold compresses to the back of your neck or forehead, alternate nostril breathing or other breathework techniques, laughter go see a comedy show!),
  

• have grace for yourself. Your brain is literally needing to rewire - it’s hard and it hurts so be kind to yourself right now!
  

• find new adventures/new things to talk about. Avoiding rumination is key to healing. Instead if dwelling on where it all went wrong, focus on finding new things to do and therefore new things to think about and talk about. Bonus points if these incorporate vagus nerve exercise (ie. Hiking, kareoke/making music, seeing a comedy show, going somewhere new with a friend, learning a new recipe with probiotics or fiber)
  

• self-talk (affirmations & future-self talk) with all the rewiring going on, your brain is malleable for new healthy habits! Use this time to capitalize on setting positive thought patterns for yourself. If affirmations aren’t your jam try future self journaling (I love the template I got at https://theholisticpsychologist.com/free-resources/)

Hopefully these tips can be a good start if you are looking for strategies to move on and heal from a breakup! Regardless of how you choose to move forward, I just want to emphasize again to have grace for yourself. Breakups are incredibly difficult social experiences and if we are harsh with ourselves we tend to come out of them feeling worse and feeling worse leads to acting worse which may lead to even more dysfunctional relationships. Give yourself grace so you can grow and learn from your breakup and become a happier and healthier version of yourself!

If you need more support moving forward and reconnecting with yourself, look into seeing a therapist or joining a group :) Interested in working with me? Book a consultation call to inquire about availability through my site!