How do you know when it's time for couples therapy?

Scroll down to see 11 concrete signs that might be letting you know that it is time to book an appointment with a couples therapist... The list aside, the first thing I'll tell you as a couples therapist, is that the time to attend couples therapy is probably sooner than you think.

And no, I'm not saying that because I want to make money, I'm saying that because it breaks my heart when couples come in on the brink of divorce, already at a point when they can hardly remember even one good thing about the other person, and I know that the chances of saving the marriage are so much lower than if they would have come in while they still had some positive feelings for each other.

I mean think about it, if you are coming in to couples therapy, here is what is going to happen - the first thing that will happen is that your therapist will be asking both of you to change (yes even if you think 'it's all their fault everything sucks', it will be both of you who need to change).

And if you don't even hold a little bit of respect and liking and love for the person sitting beside you on the couch, what are the chances that you are going to be willing to do something as difficult as change for them??

Especially because often the change a therapist may be asking you to make, isn't to do more of what you feel like doing (that is probably what you've already been trying), it is most likely going to be to try something that doesn't feel like it comes that naturally or easily. Like take a break from a fight before it gets to yelling. Or use kinder language even when you're pissed. Or write down how you feel about the relationship to share vulnerably with your partner.

So yes, the first answer for you how to know when it's time for couples therapy is to come in sooner than you think.

11 concrete signs that might let you know it's time a good time for couples therapy...

1. Every fight turns into a yelling match - even though you eventually "kiss and makeup" it seems like the problems never really get resolved.

2. You can't agree on how to handle an important issue (finances, kids, sex, etc).

3. You are avoiding telling them about topics/feelings/events that you know might start a fight

4. You want to figure out how to manage disagreements so it doesn't involve crying or silence

5. You have recently gone through (or are about to go through) a big life change - such as getting married, having a baby, moving, taking care of aging parents, etc..

6. One (or both) of you has had an affair or even just considered having an affair.

7. You've stopped having as much sex and one of you is feeling like they would like to reignite the passion

8. Date nights aren't happening and it's not because of logistics - it's because you aren't really sure you want to spend that time together

9. You want to stay together but honestly aren't sure if its a good idea- you know things have started to feel toxic.

10. You know that things are getting a bit toxic but you don't want to "just break up" - whether you want to stay together for the kids, finances, or you still love each other, you want to see if you can make it better first.

11. You aren't sure if you want to stay together and need help deciding.

There may be other reasons I've missed but as I've said, the most important recommendation I have is that if it's at all possible, come in a little bit before you start looking up divorce lawyers.

If you are in a place where you are already considering ending the relationship, please dont be discouraged, but be certain to let your couples therapist know as soon as possible since different treatment modalities or session formats may be more appropriate to dealing with a relationship in crisis as opposed to a relationship just in need of a "tune up".

If you live in California or Hawaii and have more questions about finding the right therapist for you, please take advantage of my offer to book a free consultation call with me to get started in the right direction.