Why "Fair Fighting Rules" Don't Work...

My husband and I on a recent trip to Alaska

I first heard of the idea of "fair fighting rules" as a therapist when I was still working with kids. I was going through resources to support the family therapy process and came across a therapist aid handout with the title "Fair Fighting Rules". I read through the rules and it sounded positively idyllic. The trouble was, in my experience, sticking to these rules was next to impossible for people who were emotionally dysregulated and for people who didn't have much in the way of relational skills (yet). This is often the trouble with a lot of well-intentioned therapy advice.

*(My version of "fair fighting rules" will be at the bottom of this post and it hopefully addresses some of the issues I've seen with other handouts - though disclaimer that it probably still has some flaws and may not resonate with everyone)

At this point I've seen a lot more strategies for "fair fighting rules" than I had as a younger therapist-in-training. I've seen conflict advice from the Gottmans (generally worth listening to), I've seen different visual reminders/maps/flow charts from other therapists, and quite a few great nuggets of advice through couples on social media who specialize in relationship advice. One memorable instagram couple suggested using Shakespearian english when things got too heated in order to break the tension and hold emotional dysregulation in check (if I could find the video I'd link it - it was frankly adorable).

The thing is, as said above, most therapy advice for conflict navigation is predicated on the idea that you are still in control of your facilities enough to make a reasonable decision - in other words it's based on the premise that you haven't lost your shit yet. Reality is, most people aren't good at catching themselves soon enough to avoid the 'losing your shit' part. So here is my advice for those of us who might not quite yet be at the point of emotional mastery to be able to utilize the tools of "fair fighting"...

• If you aren't able to sit down and list out 10 different emotions right now - then print out an emotions wheel/chart and start familiarizing yourself with the idea that there is more than 'happy', 'angry', 'tired', 'stressed', 'sad'. Learning the language will expand your ability to notice your emotions. If you don't want a print out, I got this pillow cover from etsy that has been a hit with all my clients (I double recommend this option if you have kids).

• Work on building stronger emotional awareness - everyday. At the end of everyday, go through your day and name emotions for different moments throughout your day. This is a great activity to do with a partner as it offers up the opportunity to share your inner worlds with each other a little bit in addition to building emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is a powerful tool for impulse control. Once you can be aware of an emotion (as opposed to lost/surrendered in the feeling of it) you get some agency over what to do with it.

• Use the strategies you already know work for you. Chances are that you are better at emotional regulation than you think you are. Many of my clients have been surprised to learn that the strategies they are using in sports/working out or at work or with their kids are the exact same strategies they need to use with their partners. These instances are all often moments where people are able to identify that they might feel a feeling but they don't let it change their behavior (ie. in running a marathon when you feel tired or in pain, you don't stop running; at work when you feel like throwing a coffee mug at your boss, you don't do that and instead you excuse yourself to the bathroom; at home with your kids when you feel exhausted from your work day or sick and tired you still make sure you do what you have to do to feed your kids and get them to bed even though you just wanna collapse). Think about those moments - what are you doing to help yourself through those moments. Write down the different strategies you might use and rate them for effectiveness. Then plan to use them more intentionally.

• Use the strategy advised by Terry Real in the book "How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids" - first of all, I only just recently read this book even though it's been on my radar for years and it had better insights than I expected. Second, the advice from lauded therapist Terry Real to the author of the book was some seriously powerful stuff. This was specifically advice given regarding arguing in front of your kids but I'll adapt it below incase you don't have kids yet - Terry Real suggests to the author that before she gets into a fight with her husband that she go into her room, look at a picture of her little daughter and essentially say to it "I know what I'm about to do is going to cause you harm, but right now, my anger is more important to me than you are". The way I suggest adapting this (if you either have kids or if fighting in front of the kids isn't your issue) is when you are in the early stages of an argument, look at your partner and in your head, say the same thing to yourself. This statement is obviously meant to be a reality check - nobody over the age of 2 ought to be prioritizing their anger over hurting someone else.

• Finally, if you can't seem to get a grip on being kind (or at the very least not cruel) while you are in a conflict scenario, then hire a therapist. Learning how to control yourself (even when you are angry/sad/frustrated/tired) is something we expect from kids in kindergarten - if the lesson somehow skipped you then don't make it everyone else's problem. Do the work, heal from whatever it is holding you back, and enjoy the benefits of stronger and longer lasting relationships across all areas of your life.

  
  

Below I've included my version of "fair fighting rules"if you are interested. The PDF gives specific instructions on what to do when signs of emotional overwhelm are coming up as well as some specific examples on how to use the rules. If this is more your speed than hopefully it's helpful. If you are interested in chatting more or working with me, (or in getting the pdf version of my fair fighting rules handout), then click this link -----> this link <---- to get to my contact page and set up a free consultation call.

Sage and Vine Counseling "Fair Fighting Rules" Handout

The journey of learning how to have healthy conflict is lifelong for most of us, with plenty of slips and moments of utter struggle (even for me and other therapists) but it is so very very worth while. These relational skills have big payoffs - healthier relationships lead to healthier families and ultimately healthier communities with less trauma, greater support, greater success, less illness, less substance use, and less violent crime. And that is something I think we can all agree is desperately needed right now. So let's get started :)