How to Choose the Right Couple's Therapist
Updated: Oct 19
If you're here, you might be struggling with having the same fight again and again, you might be wondering if you guys are even compatible or if these are problems you can actually do something about.. you might be trying to come back from finding out about an affair or working through a trauma together.
Communication problems, infidelity, fighting that you just can't seem to stop and intimacy issues are just a few of the reasons that people look for couples therapists.
There is a lot of options out there, a lot of great therapists and a lot of .. well not as great therapists. It can feel daunting and overwhelming (even for me when I've had to look for someone before - and I am a therapist!) Ultimately the most important thing to know is that it's not about the perfect therapist, it's about finding the right therapist for you. Studies have shown us time and again that the most impactful part of therapy is the relationship with the therapist - whether it's virtual or in person, no matter what the approach is, you need to be able to trust the person "in the room".
Start With What’s Bringing You Here
While some therapists do a little bit of everything, most therapists these days have specific areas of focus or specialities that can inform you as to their level of expertise at dealing with your particular problems. You can get as specific as you like (for example "therapist to help with different parenting styles" or "therapist to help us stop fighting about in laws"); if you are open to telehealth (virtual appointments) it is highly likely that even if you are specific, you will find someone who has an interest and experience in helping with the kinds of problems you are having.
For couples therapy specifically, I recommend being specific in your search. While most licensed professionals can work with couples, there is a big difference in someone who has done continuing education or research on relational approaches (like Gottman, Emotion-focused couples therapy, or Relational Life Therapy) versus someone who mostly works with individuals and just sometimes works with couples to "mix it up". While individual therapy can be heavily on the processing side of talk therapy, good couples therapy generally requires more of the "doing things different" work of therapy; this is because in general when people seek out a couples therapist they are hoping to see measurable change sooner rather than later in their lives, as opposed to simply looking for insight.
Find A Therapist Who Understands Your World
In my work as a family therapist, and in my life here in Hawaii, I’ve seen how much context matters.
Our relationships, our culture, our families, our identities… they all shape how we move through the world.
Some therapists specialize in working with certain groups like parents, couples, children, or specific communities. If parts of your identity feel central to your experience, it can be really powerful to work with someone who understands that, not just intellectually, but relationally.
That doesn’t mean your therapist has to be exactly like you; in fact often we can learn the most from therapists who have different backgrounds from our own. But you should feel respected, seen, and safe being fully yourself and that means your therapist should be comfortable with you talking about your identity, culture, and family-life without passing judgement or trying to censure.
Therapy Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All
You might come across different “types” of therapy as you search.
Some are more structured and practical. Others are more reflective and exploratory. Some focus on the body and nervous system, while others focus on thoughts, patterns, or past experiences.
For couples therapists specifically it can be helpful to look for the following modalities:
Gottman
EFT (emotion focused couples therapy)
RLT (relational life therapy)
Family Systems
IBCT (Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy)
Imago
Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy
Discernment Counseling
Solution Focused
Narrative Therapy
Collaborative Therapy
Psychoanalytic Couples Therapy (made famous by Dr. Orna on couples therapy)
In my own practice, I tend to integrate different approaches depending on what each person or couple needs; this is common among therapists. Good therapy isn’t about fitting you into a model, it’s about meeting you where you are.
If a therapist explains their approach in a way that feels clear and human (not overly clinical or confusing), that’s usually a good sign.
Let’s Talk About Cost (Because It Matters)
I always want my clients to feel informed and comfortable when it comes to finances.
Therapy is an investment, not just financially, but emotionally and energetically too. And it needs to be sustainable.
As you’re exploring options, look for clarity around:
Session fees
Insurance or out-of-network options
Cancellation policies
If something feels unclear, it’s okay to ask. A therapist who communicates openly about cost is usually someone who values transparency in the work as well.
In-Person or Online: What Feels Right for You?
Some people feel most grounded coming into a physical space. Others need the flexibility of online sessions, especially with busy schedules or long commutes between areas; this is especially the case for couples who are trying to balance two schedules with a therapist.
There’s no “better” option, just the one that helps you show up consistently.
The Most Important Piece To Finding A Therapist: How It Feels
If there’s one thing I wish more people knew, it’s this:
The relationship you have with your therapist matters more than anything else.
More than credentials. More than techniques. More than years of experience.
You should feel:
Comfortable being honest (especially if there is something specific you want, like, or don't like from your therapist)
Respected and not judged
Gently challenged, but also supported
You might not know right away, but pay attention to how you feel after that first conversation. Do you feel a little more at ease? A little more understood? Do your ethics* and values match? That matters.
Timing Is Part of the Equation
Sometimes the “right” therapist isn’t available right away.
If you’re needing support soon, it’s okay to prioritize availability. You can always adjust later as your needs evolve.
Therapy doesn’t have to be a lifelong commitment to one person (in fact I don't believe it should be); it’s a relationship that can grow and change over time.
You’re Allowed to Take Your Time Finding A Therapist
I often tell clients this: you’re allowed to be thoughtful in this process.
You’re not being “too picky.” You’re making a decision about your care, your growth, and your well-being.
And if you start with someone and it doesn’t feel like the right fit? That’s okay too.
There’s no failure in that, only more clarity.
My Final Thoughts On Choosing The Right Therapist
At the heart of therapy is relationship.
It’s not about being “fixed.” It’s about being met, understood, and supported as you make sense of your own life.
You deserve that kind of space.
And whether it’s with me or another therapist, I truly believe the right connection is out there for you.
*While we’re not at liberty to speak for other therapists, we take ethics very seriously. We respect our client’s privacy and we subscribe to the Code of Conduct as maintained by the American Psychological Association. We're also committed to marketing ourselves in an ethical way, which is why we work with partners such as Marketing For Therapists.
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